Ugh

So I've had to go back to the ER several times for my 'unexplainable pains'. The doctors have told me that if I start my period soon, that means it was cysts rupturing. I have started bleeding today but I have also stopped. This helps to give evidence of the cysts but also does not explain the pains. Ah, I'm just so tired of not feeling well. I have to wait for the doctors to get their thumbs out of their asses and fix me. Doubt it will happen since it's been so long already but all I can do is hope. I'm going to Enid hopefully Wednesday to get my insurance cards again. Then I can go see someone else to try to explain my pains. I don't know what to do. I'm hurting and its effecting my work, my mood, my everything. I'm looking for another job. Still have not gotten any responses. I tried to become a manager at my apartment complex but my application was denied and they hired someone else. I'm so angry about not being able to get that job but I guess its because something better is coming along. I just wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can stop worrying about money and such. Sykes blows. It honestly is horrible. I feel worse every time I go there. Everyone I know is looking for a job out of there. I'm just hoping and praying for something to come along to help me out. I need a job that can accomodate my breast-feeding my son and can work around my doctors visits and pains. I know I'm asking a lot but I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to survive and hang on. I'm good on my bills until October so that's an amazing feat for me (of which I'm very proud of) but I am looking into the future trying to make sure that I can make ends meet.

A bit about the last year or so

My last post April 25th, 2010 states that I didn't know if I was going to remain pregnant or not. I didn't. I miscarried a child at 12 weeks. Almost exactly a month after I found out about the miscarriage I became pregnant again. I was very worried that I would lose that one as well. A lot of very stressful things were going on. My husband and I were discussing divorce and we weren't sure if we were going to get back together. My husband and I are still working on our issues but we are currently still apart, although it's not a choice either of us made. I am happy to say that I was able to carry to term and I now have a handsome son named Draedyn Caoimhin Cummings. He is a happy baby like his sister, Enya. I moved to Shawnee, KS and then back to Ponca City, OK. I am working out at Sykes again although I completely hate it. Draedyn refuses to take a bottle so it's making work even harder. I am very confused and am not in the greatest health. I recently found out that I have cysts on my ovaries. My left ovary is covered in cysts one of which is half the size of the ovary and when I recently had an ultrasound to find out why I had so much pain, the doctors couldn't find my left ovary. My right one is now half the size that it's supposed to be. I am constantly in pain and there is nothing that can be done about it due to me breast-feeding.
I love being with my children and I'll post more about them at another time.

Tomorrow is either an End or New Beginning

So I posted awhile back that I was pregnant. I may not be for much longer.

Tuesday I went to the doctor to see why I was experiencing some things. At that point in time I was 11 weeks and 2 days according to my last period, 30 Jan 2010. While checking for the baby's heartbeat, they realized that no matter where they placed the doppler, they couldn't find the it. They decided to do a vaginal scope. After pinpointing where they fetus was, they told me that my dates were wrong. I explained to them that I was 100% positive on when my last period was because that is the same night Cyrus went to the hospital due to the beer bottle incident. They informed me that the baby was only 6 weeks along. They told me that either I just skipped my feb period for some reason, or I was having a miscarriage. So far I'd only had a small amount of blood. Actually I didn't even know that it was blood. I have to go back on Monday (tomorrow) to see if the baby has grown. If the baby is up to 7 weeks growth, then everything is fine, I'll just be pregnant for longer than I thought. That means that my pregnancy test picked me up being barely 2 weeks pregnant.
However, if the baby has not grown that means that I am as far along as I thought and I lost the baby at 6 weeks. After leaving the hospital, I started to actually bleed to the point that there is no mistaking it. It's personal but since my visit the bleeding has increased to resemble between a medium and heavy period. I'm pretty sure that the baby is gone but we find out for sure on monday.

I'm ok. Not necessarily fine, but I'm dealing with it as best I can. Cyrus is doing alright, more worried about me than anything. I know that Enya can't quite understand what's going on but I've have told her and explained as best I could. She really has been helping me through this. She makes me smile and laugh almost every second that I'm with her. I'll post more information as I know. I thank you for your support and if there is anything you can help with I'll let you know. There probably won't be anything though.

Thank you for reading and I'll keep you updated. Thank you for your love and support.

Posts

I think I've just found the number one way to make me cry. I read a few of my friend's posts and then followed link after link after link and came to some very horrible blogs. Not horrible as in how they are written, but horrible as in what they are about. One regarding a woman who has just realized her boyfriend is messing around with her mother. One about a woman recalling an incident where her father went to jail after shooting at her. One about a woman finding out her husband is cheating on her. One about a facebook invitation from her father where he wants to be friends then blocks her then befriends her again. The last is about a woman who is dealing with her husband's emotional infidelity. This last one was terrible. It really made me cry. This woman wrote like she was actually speaking to her husband. She tried to explain how all of it makes her feel, how he's neglecting her and their children, how he's only happy when he talks to her.... I barely managed to make it through the whole blog because I didn't want to imagine what any of that would feel like. At the end this woman just kept telling herself that she mattered, she mattered. She mattered even if only in her mind. The desperate plea and outcry at the end was the worst. I know that I myself have gone through some hardships and pain. I've dealt with feelings that people should never have to deal with. I've had self esteem issues, I still do. I still have issues with 'Do I matter? Does anyone even care?' But what this woman was going through, I would never wish on anyone. Like I said, I don't even want to imagine what she must be going through. Dear writer, you have my prayers and I hope that you and your family can make it through.

The Scoop on Poop

This is copied from ChemistryMama's blog and I found it extremely amusing seeing as how Enya has done many of the same things. I will only post her rules, however so that her entire blog is not sitting on mine like I stole it. After she states the rules, she goes on to explain a particular instance when her children have done this. So in honor of ChemistryMama, I will post what Enya has done that is similar.

Rules of Baby Poop
Baby Poop Rule #1: Thou shalt completely obliterate at least one outfit from each size bracket with a particularly colorful contribution.
*Enya had a really cute purple onesie with a green frog and matching purple pants. One day while wearing said outfit, Enya decided to let go of the poop she'd been holding on to for about a week! Poop was everywhere! Up her back, down her legs, everywhere! It was ridiculous! The cute little outfit turned a weird brownish-green on the back and no matter how many times I washed it, the outfit never returned to it's original cute-ness.*

Baby Poop Rule #2: Thou shalt hold all poop until mom is walking out the door with you to go somewhere, preferably 10 minutes late to get to somewhere important.
*Yesterday, I had to take Cyrus his lunch and some of his equipment for work to turn in. He had a very short lunch break and I had just woken up. Enya of course had been awake for awhile playing in her crib. So as I'm lifting her out of the crib to get her buckled into the carseat for the mad-dash to drop Cyrus off his stuff I hear it.... that subtle splooge noise that lets you know 'if you don't change this quick, you're going to regret it'. I was able to change Enya semi-quickly and still managed to get to Cyrus on time. Enya the whole time just sat there and giggled at me.*

Baby Poop Rule #3: Thou shalt coordinate thy pooping with as many siblings as possible.
*Ok, since Enya is currently an only child we have yet to see if she'll do this one too. However, a few times watching her buddy Aiden, they decided it would be cute to poop together but it was not the scary pooping that Enya is sometimes known for.*

Baby Poop Rule #4: Thou shalt poop in the first diaper just enough to demand a diaper change, but reserve enough to dirty the second (or third) diaper immediately after.
*So the other day we had some people over and Enya let one go. I waited a couple of minutes to make sure that she was finished and as I picked her up, I realized my hand was goopy. After the wide, bug eyed look of 'oh crap!' I quickly got Enya changed into another diaper and laid her down on a blanket and gave her a toy. After cleaning the seat that she had previously been sitting in, I turned to pick her up and discovered that she had gone again. Only this time, it was on her, the blanket, the toy, somehow my leg.... the diaper did very little to buffer the poop explosion.*

Baby Poop Rule #5: Thou shalt do all thy best pooping at a time when thy little heinie is not easily accessible.
*I have made many trips with Enya. This little trooper has been to TX, OK, KS, MO, Iowa and Illinois. One of Enya's favorite times to poop is on the extremely long car rides where we're trying to make it somewhere before dark because the van does not have one of the headlights. Let me tell you, it is no joy of mine sitting in a car with a giggling baby who has just stunk up the car.*


So yea, those are the rules of Poop that I have found and little examples of my beautiful daughter demonstrating the acts. Hope you have enjoyed.

Until next time: Love, Kisses and Blessings

Tired

I'm so tired. I try to sleep and my insomnia won't let me. When I am actually able to fall asleep, Enya chooses that exact time to wake up and need something. She goes back to sleep relatively quickly but then it takes me forever to fall asleep again. My pregnancy dreams have started early. Messed up and wierd. So it's almost like I don't want to sleep because I'm freaked out about what I'll dream. Nothing frightening or necessarily bad, it's just.... my dreams while pregnant are sometimes things that should not be in my head.

I had a conversation with Cyrus a little while back about why we see the things we do. Why we dream things. Cyrus takes Ambien to sleep and when he does not go directly to sleep, he sees things. Colors, little people, animals.... random things like that. That is what started the conversation. We never came to any conclusion. It's like listening to people talk about times that they've tripped or done drugs. Some people see snakes, others see just colors.... why? What is it about their subconsious that makes them see those particular things? I'll never know the answer but it is still something to ponder.

I guess that it's the hormones that cause pregnant women to have strange dreams. It brings out subliminal thoughts.

It's really hard to type with a 6 month old sitting in your lap twisting to look at you. She's precious though and she's wanting attention. I'll give it to her :)

Until next time: Love, Kisses and Blessings.

Cyrus

As I said, I was married on January 23rd, 2009. Exactly 8 months before my daughter, Enya, was born. I met Cyrus Jeffery Cummings at a Pagan Festival called Hearland on May 10, 2008. I had gone to the festival early with my suedo-boyfriend (at the time). I went into a campsite looking for my longtime friend, Uno. He and his beautiful wife, Kissi, had gone into town for work. At Uno's campsite, I met one of the other room mates living in their apartment, PacMan. We sat and chatted for a little while until we heard one of the tents a ways back unzip. The conversation then goes as follows:
*zip*
Unknown- What time is it?
PacMan- About 10:30.
Unknown- The Cyrus is going back to sleep!
*zip*
Me- *giggle giggle*
*zip*

Cyrus then decided that since he heard a female voice it was time to wake up. He comes stumbling out of the tent, pretty much naked except for a scrap of sarong he is holding in front of himself. He sits and talks with us for awhile until PacMan has to leave. Cyrus then made breakfast for my 'friend', himself and I. After a bit we leave and see Cyrus off and on throughout the day.
My friend leaves the next day and my brother, Cody, comes out to visit me. There is a party over at Uno's campsite that night that we attend. We all have a good time and Cody and I return to our campsite. After about 30 minutes of sleep I feel my bed shift and I open my eyes to find Cyrus in my tent staring at me. He tells me to come outside with him and go up to Bardic for the last of the fire there. After much debating and trying to go back to sleep, I reluctantly agreed to go with Cyrus. We watched the fire and dancers for a bit then we headed down to the bath house. On the way down what I call the Stairs of Death, Cyrus stopped me and asked to kiss me. It was very sweet. We went back to my tent after so that I could check on my brother and ....

well that's about as far as that part of the story goes. We continued to spend time together throughout the festival. After Heartland was over, we kept up contact for the next few months until he went off to Fort Benning, GA for Basic Training. While he was there, we wrote to each other. Once Basic was over, Cyrus had a few weeks off before he had to report to his duty station. I picked him up from the airport and spent those few weeks with him and I took him down to Killeen, TX (his duty station). We continuted to see each other as often as possible. I would go down and visit him for a week or so at a time.

We decided that we wanted to have a baby together. Cyrus was dead set on a little girl. I became pregnant at the end of December. I went down to see Cyrus on January 22, 2009. That night we went and saw a movie and he told me that the next day I needed to dress up because we were going to have our pictures taken together. The next day, we got all dressed up and on the way to what I thought was the photo place, Cyrus asked me to marry him! He told me that we were on our way to get a copy of my birth certificate so that we could go to the courthouse and have the ceremony done by a justice of the peace. After the hassel of the birth certificate, we were married in Court room 2 by Justice of the Peace Bill Cooke. It was a very exciting day!

I stayed in TX with Cyrus until February 3rd and Cyrus left for Iraq on February 5th, 2009. He was able to come home for the birth of our first child Enya Luna Cummings. He finally returned home for good on January 18th, 2010. We have since moved all of our possessions to our apartment in Killeen, TX.

I love Cyrus more than I can stand sometimes but I know that he does too. He has made me so happy and I know that he will continue to every day for the rest of our lives!